Optimistic? I am not...
i am...exhausted, i am tired...
we made it this far, this very far, we have everything... why we most likely wont make it?
because printing companies print for more money than expected (there were sites, we looked at them, they said less)
so.... money will be the thing... that will stop me from my dream?
i wouldnt need much...i hate that 80% what we did so far will be nothing... just coz of 50 000 or so difference.

I am not sleeping, i am searching who is interested in putting advertisements. I am damn sleepy, cold and just... i think i slowly lose my hope. I wont give up, but well...I start to live my life as if it ends in January. I dont want to go back to my country, if not in Japan I dont want to live. Japan is everthing for me.

This few weeks will decide my fate for forever.

i have to act cheerful, to smile coz i dont want to shock my host family, they are nice, they would just be worried.

I eat but I lose weight constantly, i am skinnier than Kamechan.

And I just feel...empty...
I am about to cry in every minute, tho i cant. my host dad can come home at any minute and he would worry. yes, i have to act.

I admire Kame and want to be like him, want to give my best and i know it is not easy. but right now... i just feel blankness.
i guess i will calm down a little, but... what after it?

if i fail now, and cant go back to uni, i can never get working visa to Japan. And then what? I can never live here. No thanks. Either Japan either byebye.

I work like a robot, sening hunfreds of mails a day...and what? one replied...

I start to lose it. There is nothing that can make me happy nowdays. I always cancel my friends because i cant go out of saitama, i have to spare money. No matter how i spare i cant do parttime job. My parents were my only hope. Now they are about to divorce, they dont even live in the same house as I got to know now, they dont talk to each other.
My grandma is totally alone in a big house since my grandpa died...everyone left her alone (and i am here so i can only talk to her on phone too T__T)

Not even Akame can make me feel better...looking at them make me realize they are japanese...and they live in Japan and i can possibly never live here.
Even music died, i cant even listen to it. I didnt listen to it for days now.

Getting a Japanese boyfriend and marrying him? Noone loves me, I am not beautiful. I met tons of Japanese guys, got friends with them. But to love me? they cant. i dont blame them i hate myself too so yeah.

I start to feel that it is just too much. For 9 months... i did nothing just putting my hope into what i am doing here. Putting my money into it as much as i needed. I worked in my home country almost every day for a month till i had to come back to japan...outside at 40 degree...
and now what? an amount of money that my friends are saying "cheap!" to will hinder me in reaching my dream?

I still didnt give up. Not yet. One is sure. Until the beginning of January everything will be either fully over either succeed.
I want to hope that i will succeed... if not.. fate plays a cruel game. we were facing many impossible situations but always miracle happened. Thats why we got so far. I couldnt understand it was like a dream. In the last minute something always turned up. Will it happen now too?
"I believe in miracles" can I still say it?
Am I able to?

I am sorry for my ranting.
I go back to work now, probably wont sleep much today either.

Byebye