Okk, long time no update really xDD lets see what happened...
First of all... I dont want to go home... I dont want to return to my country. I miss my family and friends but I want them to come here. I cant live in my own country I hate it.
I was so optimistic in Japan, thought even impossible is possible...no let me rephase it... I thought impossible doesnt exist.
But...it does.
I should be happy, I really should be... but I am not really. We made it, we did. Really, officially. But... I cant live here. I wont have visa... Noone helps me... even that I need that 5 million only for short term of time, my relatives, who could actually help say: what the fuck are u doing? Go to uni properly instead...
I wont.
I have enough...
I try to, but uni is not the first. What we managed to built here is bigger and is for my future more than uni.
I am afraid to go home... I have to live the everyday life i did...I am not able to...
And everyone will make drama around me coz I will really be depressed I think.
Yes, I should have been happy I could be here for 3 month.
But what is 3 month compared to a lifetimne?
And... everyone says they understand me.... they dont.
I know it is the worst thing and many people will hate me coz of it, but these are my honest feelings: i hate my home country with all my heart. I dont belong there. I cant live there...There, every day without reason I feel as if I will faint... that i will become unconsciousness and have to lay down. I thought it is because of stress, well it is not. Here i had more stress in this 3 months than during my 23 years of life in my home country. My family brought me to doctor, they even scanned my brain, nothing. I am perfectly fine and healthy. In every aspects.
And it is true. Here I never had that problem, no matter i only slept for 3 hours every day for 2 weeks, that I had work and couldnt eat properly, that I arrived home at 1 am deadly tired.
I had something to wait for, every day. And even only seeing Japanese people on street is happiness for me and help me enjoy life.
I jsut enjoyed life, I lived every day with the "I wont give up, coz life is beautiful"
And it really is. I try not to lose my optimism...but it is hard.
I want that fucking visa too >< And I cant wait 2 years until uni ends.
Everyone who likes Japan say: but i want to go to japan the same amount as you.
This pisses me off coz i dont think.
Who doesnt hate his own contry and language more than anything, who wont be sick phisically every day (while his health from a doctors aspect is perfect), who doesnt cry every day that he wants to go to japan doesnt want to go teh same amount as me.
So yeah...
I cried all night yesterday. I could hardly stop. I am totally scared of going back at my own country, I even had nightmare of it. I am afraid to sleep, coz I dont wanna have nightmare.
And I know, I am lucky. I met Akanishi, I was at 4 KAT-TUN concert, I met Saitou Takumi and could go to places not every people is allowed to enter. And I am grateful to fate. And I still have faith that not long after I can live here for forever. I wont ever give up on hope.
To all my friend on MSN, sorry I wont talk. I cant, I dont want to hurt anyone or make anyone pissed. I am not in the mood to talk, I only go to MSN coz my family had problem with bank transfer and we have to discuss it.
And sorry for those who knew me coz after I return I think I will be a completely different person. We will see...
About KAT-TUN
All the concerts were fantastic, but... I miss Akame... is it just me or that two are really far from each other. They are so sad when they look at each other and the chemistry between them is awkward... i wish it was not like that and maybe i see it wrongly. Anyway... I want them back the way there were.
This Crystal Kay thing is hilarious, Jin, get out of JE if u wanna sing with a girl, Thanks. *bows*
Lately Kame keeps me alive. Every time I am really down I just have to think about his solo song and the performance of it.
((On one con, they sang never again and Kame changed the lyric: "Samayou Akanishi." ((samayou=confused, swaying))Hah, deserves him right. *nods*))
My life changed and in a good way. I just hope I can endure the time I have to spend in my own country.
And now everyone might think I really dont miss anyone.
I do. I really do.
Just my home is Japan.
Todays event: I went to watch the awaodori (japanese dance) practise with my host family. My host mom and her daughter dance too. They are really good!
Ok, I go before I say more depressive things.
4 days left...... I try to live it to the fullest.